Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Algorithm?

Given that women so often describe men as a kind of primitive algorithm, whether a hitting-program or a fucking-program or both, let us return the compliment and ask what kind of algorithm a woman might be. That is to say, what would be the most elegant and economic description of the great bulk of female behaviour, treated as a set of instructions to be followed?

My suggestion would be that women are status-calibrating algorithms. In the days when most people did not possess watches, there was once a jaunty little song, “If you want to know the time, ask a policeman”. Today we could sing – provided that we had no regard for scansion – “If you want to know who has won and who has lost in any social transaction, ask a woman.” Or, “If you want to know who is Not-Done and needs to be ostracised, ask a woman”.

Some men can process social status very well, others less well, while others again are totally clueless, which is why men keep women around as wives, girlfriends, mothers or gal-pals. For somebody has to keep score, to act as umpire, and this is women’s speciality. Whenever an individual woman thinks the arts or sciences more important than this social scoreboard, bless her, it is no coincidence that she is traditionally called “mannish”.

Of course, such two-legged algorithms do not calibrate status merely as a service to their male partners and relatives; this is a side-effect of their own relentless competition, a mere lending-out of surplus status-processing power. The currencies of their own status-processing are: money, beauty, style, bling, husbands’ looks and accomplishments, metaphysical superiority and umbrage. The first four are familiar territory; the husbands are in denial about their own role as casino chips (or else they would not be husbands in the first place). The importance of the last two currencies has, however, been grossly underestimated.

Posted on December 19, 2012 at 13:58 by Hugo Grinebiter · Permalink
In: WHAT WOMEN WANT, On Sovereignty And Hierarchy

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